The Tale of NNM

"So what do we do now?"

"Prepare your weapons" ordered Trekie, "The Idiot Legions of NNM are just past that hill we never noticed or that the author of this tale forgot to mention"

Gamer pulled out a crowbar, Trekie did not bother to arm himself, Bort pulled out a bow, DM armed himself with a two-handed sword, SWNerd flicked on his dual sabers, and Bookworm took out his awesome dagger and long sword. With the Fellowship music starting, they ran as fast as they could over hill and under hill.

CHAPTER 2 - The First Encounter

Our heroes stopped just short of the last hill (being the 1000th, no wonder they did that) they laid down and peered past the hill, scaring themselves half to death when they noticed 10 000 Idiot Troops plus Spider-Nerd and the yet to be named other 2 anti-NAO nerds (let's call them Jarmaster and The Patheticon). The menacing army had not yet noticed them, which gave NAO the initiative.

"Alright, now what." whispered Bort

"Ok..ok...ok....ok. Gamer and I will go to the left and distract them while Bookworm, SWNerd and DM charge up from the rear. You stay with them and fire your arrows." explained Trekie, "It's a pincer movement, it can't fail!"

"Dudes, we're going up against 10 000 troops, how are we supposed to beat that many?" DM exclaimed but not really.

"They're mearly idiot troops..." explained Bookworm, "...even that many can't beat the combined forces of NAO. Gamer, hack into the world and lower their health points as much as you can."

"I'm one step ahead of you, or rather, Commodore is. He already lowered their HP to 100, down from 1000."

"Right, forgot about Commodore!" remembered Trekie.

"Just like you did your brain. Moron." said the disgruntled Bookworm.

"DEMOTED!" demoted Gamer.

"Shut up!" said SWNerd, DM, and Bort in unison.

"Ok, let's move on 3. 1....2....3!" Bellows Gamer.

"5!" Idiots Trekie.

"No, it's 3." Sneers Gamer.

They all got up, ready to move to their positions. But as soon as they got up, they ran into a spider-web!

"Gol blimey!" cussed Gamer.

"What in the..?" Trekie questioned.

"The Force is not with us!" said SWNerd.

The rest said something, but by the time they had, SWNerd regained confidence and cut the webs. When they all got through, they ran into the idiot troops with Spider-Nerd hanging from the sky.

"Bwahahahaa! Know witnes mi teribel spelin!" Spider-Nerd blatantly introduced himself.

"Oh, dear, we have, ran, into a mess!" Kirked Trekie.

"Fire at will, buffoons!" Ordered Gamer

NAO prepped their weapons and charged into battle. What will happen. Will they charge to their doom? Will they humiliate Spider-Nerd? Be sure that the author will make it so NAO always wins, in the next chapter of NAO Adventures!

CHAPTER 3 - Dynasty Battlers the Fourth: NAO Expansion

"Goe mi leigins! atak them NAO!" (you know who said this)

"Oh dear, here come the morons. Brace yourselfs!" said Gamer

The Idiot Legion arrived. Gamer dug his crowbar in the side of one of their heads. Trekie beat the crap out of many with his Kung-Fu skills. SWNerd chopped 9 in half and pushed 10 back. DM and Bookworm did a Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker team up sort of thing against a bunch and they did a whirlwind. Bort stood back, launching arrows at countless eyes.

"They're..just so many!" Dungeon Master complained.

"An astute observation." Bookworm replied.

Countless morons fell from countless crowbar indents, saber /sword slashes, arrows, and punches. Finally the morons organized themselves into a circle around NAO, pulling out shields. They marched inwards. Gamer yelled:

"Watch out! I'm gonna pull out my Gluon Gun."

And so he did. He unleashed bursts against the weak shields, and watched as more smoking corpses fell to the ground. SWNerd tryed to match this maneuver. He used the force to shove all the shields into the morons' chins. The entire circle crumbled, and NAO charged. They yelled in unison:

"Butt Kicking For GOODNESS!!!!!!"

The morons, taken aback by this sudden gathering of courage, started retreating.

"Noe u stoopids? dunt goe.!" said the Spider-Nerd, "eyell bee bak i asur u nirds."

The Battle of the Backyard was over.

CHAPTER 4 - Picking up the Pieces

"Well, that was quite the ordeal." said Gamer

"Yeah, it failed for him as much as our LAN party did, whooop whooop whoop whoop!" replied Trekie

"Yesss"

"You didn't have to be sarcastic!"

"Ok gieusepps, what do we do now."

"Well," Bort started, "SWNerd, who has gone to gather some supplies, has told me he sense that Spider-Nerd has retreated to his NNM stronghold where Patheticon and Jarmaster await us."

"SWNerd says alot of things." DM mentioned.

"So do you loser!" Bookworm added.

"Well," Bort Started, "if you let me finish, I'll tell you where they went to."

"Hurry, we don't have much time." explained Gamer

"Ok ok, SWNerd told me that -"

"I'm back! And less bald!" exclaimed SWNerd, "anyways, they went to the Ice Mountain, and their Moron Spawning Machine also is there."

"Let's go!" ordered Trekie.

"Indeed."

CHAPTER 5 - The Trip to Cold Mountain, Part 1

NAO went back to the complex for some milk and cookies. After refueling some supplies, they hopped in Gamer's Dune Buggy and headed off for the north.

After an hour or so, it was Bookworm's turn at driving. Gamer was playing on a laptop, SWNerd was watching the Star Wars DVDs on a laptop, Trekie was watching the Next Generation on a laptop, and Bort and DM were playing Dungeons and Dragons.

"Do we have any soft drinks?" asked DM

"Shuuut uuup!" yelled Bookworm, who then threw him out the window.

"Well, that was rather abrupt, wasn't it? Wasn't it? Get it Gamer?" said Trekie

Gamer remained in a trance playing Baldur's Gate II.

Bort summoned DM back into the buggy with a scroll.

"Well Gamer, I dare say I'll be playing Battlefront eh old chap?" said SWNerd

Gamer remained in the trance.

"Oh alrigh' then." He started up Battlefront, got in an AT-AT and got blown up. "What the..?"

"PWNED!" said Gamer, who obviously started up Star Wars: Battlefront himself and destroyed SWNerd.

Suddenly, the victim sensed something.

"I sense another legion of bogeys!" exlcaimed SWNerd.

"Hey, Bookworm, get out and let me drive." said Gamer.

"Alright alright." replied Bookworm.

They switched.

"Alright Bozoes, hold on to your seats!"

They topped a hill and came upon a factory, infested with morons.

CHAPTER 6 - Enemies at the Gate

"Oh he** no!" said DM
"Don't mention that word." said Bookworm
"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" yelled Gamer.

NAO came upon a ramp, the dune buggy jumped, and at the same time, Gamer fired the Gauss Gun at several morons guarding another ramp to the plateau of the factory. They were disintegrated. The dune buggy landed and Gamer turned up the ramp. The morons, now armed with machine guns, fired and took out a tire, but Bookworm managed to repair it with a spell. Trekie fired two phasers out of the window, while Bort used his bow. Gamer drove the buggy around the factory, and then went down another ramp. Suddenly, they spotted it - Cold Mountain.

CHAPTER 7 - The Journey to Cold Mountain, Part 2

NAO drove down the meadow, enjoying a quick bite, except Gamer, who constantly fell into famine until his HEV fed him Morphene. There were many morons on the way, but they were always looking towards Cold Mountain, making sure that no one was invading it. Gamer took advantage of this by ploughing them with the Dune Buggy. Once they ploughed down, oh about 500, they started to notice and started shooting at the Buggy.

"Oy!" retorted Gamer

"They're..shooting...at us." Kirked Trekie

Bookworm launched Flatulant Balls of Fire at the morons, and took down a few, while Gamer used the mounted Tau Cannon to vapourize others. DM fell off the Dune Buggy into a hole, and then NAO didn't care. (Eventually, due to Trekie's babbling, we're going to have to rescue him.)

"Keep firing, morons!" Yelled Bort

"Are you giving them a pep-talk?" Questioned SWNerd

"NO! I'm talking to you guys!"

The Dune Buggy rolled forwards, taking out as many morons as there were in a cool movie style scene reminiscent of...well..............Bambi. The treads, or rather the wheels, carved disgusting dirt tracks into the ground and the dead bodies of the morons.

"Make them fear the wolves of Isenguard" Sharkued Bookworm.

"-_-" Expressed Trekie, in a strange grammatically incorrect way.

"Zeeeereeeeoooo!!" Butchered SWNerd.

"Why must you taint this adventure..."Booked Bookworm

"Why is Gamer still driving when the wall is 5 feet away!!!!"

"BOOM!!!" said the story and Bort.

CHAPTER 8 - Cold Mountain, Outside

NAO awoke, startled but for the most part alright. They all got out of the dune buggy and they all insulted Gamer for crashing it. Gamer merely shrugged off any pathetic insult and dived for the food....

Four Hours Later

"Are you finally finished eating?" asked Bookworm

"Yeah," replied Gamer

Bookworm poked Gamer in the spine, and then Gamer groggily lurched into the ground.

The rest of group looked at the side of the mountain, which looked strangely plastic, and then they remembered DM.

"Hey dudes, I think we should split up to find DM." mentioned Trekie

"Shotgun!" said Bookworm

"That's the spirit Bookworm! Even after despising your fellow comrade, you would still take the time to journey underground and attempt to rescue him -"

"No you dinjebat, I was about to shotgun that I DIDN'T want to go and rescue him"

"Mim, mim, mim, mim...okay then, myself and Bort will go look for DM, while you, Gamer and SWNerd go and eliminate the morons. If we find DM in this cruel adventure game, we'll catch up."

"Alright."

And so, Trekie and Bort ran backwards towards the hole in which DM fell into. Gamer got up and along with Bookworm, searched Cold Mountain for a door.

"I'm not BALD!!!" shouted SWNerd, completely out of the blue.

A door opened and then fell off it's badly put together hinges.

"Well, I guess that was the password." said Gamer

And completely without explanation as to how the door got there and how a simple word often used to describe SWNerd would open it, the three trudged into the sanitary corridor...

CHAPTER 9 - Dumpa Wumpae

And so Trekie and Bort were racing to the hole where DM fell, running at record speeds of 1 km/h...

"So Trekie, where's the hole that DM fell into?" asked Bort

"If you ask that one more time, the hole is going to be in your head!!!" threatened Trekie

"Oh, so if I say it again, we'll be there at the hole?"

"Actually, we're already there."

The two looked into the hole, ready to see an underground dwelling. Instead, they found tunnels.

"Hmmm, this doesn't look good, maybe I should go in alone." said Trekie

"Yeah maybe you should, I'll stand guard here until you get back." replied Bort

And so Trekie ventured into the tunnel, and followed whatever path it took him through. Up ahead from where he was, he saw a small mechanic worker.

"Hey there little guy." said Trekie, but the small mechanic worker scuttled off into the darkness. Using his Source Powers, Trekie tracked it, and ran until he caught up, at which point he saw light. "Aha! Light!" he ventured forth and into the light...

Suddenly, he saw a complete factory. "Machines making machines!" astutely observed Trekie. Suddenly, a crapload of the little workers stepped out from behind machinery. Then suddenly, he heard a booming voice:

"Who doth travel into thine factory!" shouted the voice

"Because somethings never change, and somethings do" replied Trekie

"Oooookay. Let's just call you Chicken Chaser." the source of the voice stepped out himself from behind a large garbage can. "My name is Billy Jonka, and you've seen the non ripped off versions of me in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. However, this is my machine factory."

"Look I don't need to talk, but I do need to know if you've seen a big fat tub of lard going by the name of DM."

"Oh yes, he was frozen in a box that the Morons were taking to Cold Mountain. We give the Morons free passage through our tunnels, and they give us absolutely nothing in return."

"So why do you let them through your tunnels?"

"Because they're not our tunnels, they went through tunnel 9, right over there." Billy Jonka pointed to a large cirular door labelled 9. "Go now!"

"Aww, don't I at least get a Dumpa Wumpa song?"

"No."

"Please?."

"No."

"Please?"

"Oh alright." Billy Jonka clapped twice...

A few hours later, Trekie was walking down Tunnel 9, wondering why in God's name he didn't stay for the song. A few more steps after this narration took place, he dropped his head in shame. But still he trudged on until he saw another light...

Chapter 10 - Inside Cold Mountain

"Okay, now we're in the mountain, but these endless mechanical corridors don't seem to be leading us the right way." said Gamer.

"Hmmm, let me use my senses to sense where we are." said SWNerd.

"Quick, through here." exclamed Bookworm, pointing to the only door besides the tunnel they had arrived from.

And so the three travelled through the door, only to arrive at a magnificently large meeting room. They were standing on a ledge above thousands of morons, but they were hidden behind a large crate. At the centre of the morons, on a raised platform with an elevator, was Spider-Nerd and Jarmaster. The morons were standing on a polished dark tile floor, which reflected the glare from their bald heads.

"Finally, we meet up again with the X-member." whispered SWNerd.

"Alright, what's our plan?" asked Bookworm.

"Hmmm, let's look at our objectives. We must destroy the forces of NAO No More, so we must eliminate Spider-Nerd and his sidekicks. Unfortunately, we're going to have to get through every single moron so that there aren't any plot holes." said Gamer.

"I wonder what Spider-Nerd is saying."

"I'm wondering what that tunnel is over there directly across from us."

"Hold on," interrupted SWNerd, "Spider-Nerd's about to speak."

"Meye call-eages nd intelecktuel equels, wee r abowt two embarc on a jurni two distroi NAO. Wee muhst trraval o'er teh feelds nd burrn doun teir bildings!"

"Oh dang, what are we going to do?" asked Bookworm.

"We're going to have to fight the morons here head on." said Gamer. He looked up and saw a third floor/ledge beside some cables attached to the ceiling. "I'll swing down on those and take out a few morons, while you and SWNerd jump into the fold. I'll cover you from the cable if the need arises. Once we've cleared out a small group I'll jump down to join the fight."

"Okay, let's do it."

Gamer climbed a ladder leading to the third ledge, and got ready to cut the cable holding him up. Bookworm got his fancy Durendal swords out and SWNerd was ready to flick on his dual lightsabers. As Spider-Nerd was about to finish his speech, Gamer cut the cables.

"YEARRRRGH!!!" pirated Bookworm and SWNerd as they leaped from the ledge, swords embellished in their hands. Gamer swung down with his crowbar and barrelled into a column of morons. Bookworm/SWNerd started to chop up anything that came near them.

"Ou dam! Teyre heer!" said Spider-Nerd, "gett tehm!"

After barelling the column of morons, Gamer took out his assault rifle from Half-Life 2 and opened fire on anyone who dared to sneak attack Bookworm or SWNerd. "Arg, there's too many of them. Where's Trekie when you need him?"

As if answering his prayers, Trekie stepped out of the tunnel. "Hey guys, did ya miss me?" smiled Trekie, waiting for a response.

"Quick, just take care of some of these buffoons!" shouted Gamer.

Trekie jumped over to Bookworm and SWNerd, and then took SWNerd in his hands as if holding a Bo. The Morons targeted Trekie, and in response, he wacked any moron with SWNerd.

As is surprised from a counter-attack, the morons centered around Trekie, leaving Bookworm trampelled on the ground. With no other alternatives, Trekie began hitting anything that came near him with SWNerd. He hit the one to his right, threw SWNerd at another, and kicked him back into the morons as soon as he ricocheted. Then he stuck SWNerd into the ground feet first and started running parallel to the ground holding SWNerd, kicking all the morons who dared to come near. After this barrage, Trekie stood back on the ground, picked up SWNerd and continued to bludgeon the morons.

Gamer jumped down onto the ground and unloaded on the moronic group. Bookworm got up and slit some throats. The moronic army's numbers dwindled. From thousands to hundreds to tens to zeroes, NAO emerged the victors.

Chapter 11 - The Recovery of DM

"Well, what now?" asked Trekie, "we've just destroyed the moron army."

"Well, there's still Spider-Nerd to deal with over there, and then there's his sidekicks and the recovery of DM." replied SWNerd.

"I say we open that generic looking box over there." said Gamer, looking over that that generic looking box over there.

And so NAO walked over and opened the box. With a completely expected plot twist, it was DM!

"Hey guys!" he said

"Get up." said Trekie

"You know, I get the strange feeling we're forgetting someone." said Gamer.

"Arg! NAO!!! You stupid fruitcakes! You will pay for this!" said Jarmaster, walking out of the elevator, along with the Patheticon.

"Well, it looks like we have a fight on our hands here." said Gamer.

Miles away...

"Why don't they call." said Bort. "Why don't they even come back for me."

Back at Cold Mountain...

Spider-Nerd webbed up and around all fancy like looking supposedly "cool." As soon as he stopped, Gamer used the manipulator to pick up Jarmaster and hurl him at Spider-Nerd.

"KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" as Spider-Nerd uttered his last words, Jarmaster's momentum crushed him, and he disconnected.

"This is a cue for a muh-phwa!" said Gamer.

"No, it isn't you obese cow." said Bookworm.

"Well, nonetheless, we still have two pieces of NNM left to beat up!"

Jarmaster started to throw jars at NAO. He nailed one right into SWNerd's head, and another at DM's stomach. Patheticon used the powers of Fable, whatever dumb ones those may be, to fight with Bookworm and keep him occupied. Then, Jarmaster threw another jar at Trekie, but Trekie easily dodged it. Gamer took out his wrench and clubbed Patheticon, disconnecting him. Another jar was hurled and it hit Bookworm in the head, knocking him down.

Now it was the down to the Council. They both ran on the walls, closing in on Jarmaster, when they both pushed off. Trekie grabbed Gamer by the ankles and hurled him at Jarmaster in bullet time. Gamer, in mid-air, drew his lightsabers, and barrelled into Jarmaster. They commenced an insult lightsaber fight.

"Killing you would be justifiable homicide." started Jarmaster.

"Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide." replied Gamer, winning the round. The two parried and attacked for a few moments, but Gamer pushed Jarmaster back.

"You're the ugliest monster ever created."

"If you don't count all the ones you've dated. OOOOhhh!" Again Gamer pushed Jarmaster back, closer to the hole where the elevator would normally arrive through the floor.

"Oh I'm getting tired of this, could you let me fix my shoe?" said Gamer.

"Alright."

Gamer bent down, secretly waiting to force push Jarmaster into the trajectory of Trekie. Then, as the moment came, he yelled "NOW TREKIE!"

Gamer force pushed Jarmaster while Trekie flew and caught Jarmaster, dropping him into the elevator shaft and disconnecting him, ending the evil of NAO No More.

"The Hackers are gone!" said Bort, arriving through the tunnel from which Trekie did the same thing.

"The Hackers are gone!" said Gamer.

"The Hackers are gone!" NAO said in unison.

"Ding-dong, the hackers are gone, blew blee blah, bla bla blee bloo. Bloo bloo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo!" sung Bort.

"SHUT UP!!!" said Trekie, preventing any further butchering of the Munchkin song.

"Well, it looks like NAO has successfully won this match of Team Deathmatch against NAO No More. We defended our mainframe computer. Let's disconnect friends, shall we?" said Gamer.

"Shotgun playing StarTropics!" said Trekie. "I'll also bring the fruitcake!"

And so after this sentence, NAO disconnected from the mainframe computer. They all had a LAN party, this time in their computer labs, while they consumed large amounts of pie, and met Trekie's fruitcake, which actually turned out to be SWNerd. NAO No More, was in itself, No More.

DE AND.

-Written by Gamer, also known as, The Eniac Brainiac.